A conversation that cannot surprise you is not a conversation, it is a script. The more structure you add, the less room there is for anything unexpected.

Three times structure got in the way instead of opening things up:

A. Philosophy meetup#

I saw a poster for a philosophy meetup about a philosopher I liked, so I went. I expected people comparing interpretations, recommending books, following ideas wherever they went.

What I got was a scripted event. A prepared presentation, then a “Q&A” where the questions were already written and the answers narrowed to true or false, A or B, raise your hand and move on. Five minutes for open questions at the very end of two hours.

B. Bible study#

I joined a group that meets once a week to study the bible. I expected to learn new passages, voice an opinion, hear perspectives I had not considered.

Instead I got “Inductive Bible Reasoning”. Highlight the places, highlight the people, highlight the terms, connect them with a different colored marker, find patterns, compare. For an hour and a half.

The whole thing is designed to make you understand the text by counting repetitions and categorizing proper nouns. It makes you feel as if you are not smart enough to grasp the passage on your own, sorting text instead of exploring meaning.

C. Retrospective#

At the end of a project cycle, people meet to give feedback on the process. I expected an open review, where you voice your opinion and discuss like adults.

Instead we got stages. The topics were already chosen. People were asked whether they liked how things went, but on the specific points that had been picked, and with the improvements already decided on.

You never get to raise the thing that matters to you. When you restrict how people give feedback, you only surface the kind of feedback the format lets through.

Less is more#

Each time, someone set out to make the conversation better and ended up making it smaller.

The alternative is simple, allow spontaneity. Gather people and let them be.

Let the conversation go where the people in the room want to take it. Let the format break, and trust that the people in the room are smart enough to handle that.